big 2...

so what does a card game have to do with food? well... ermmm... nothing... but it has become our favourite coffee break pastime! hmmm... it's probably been almost 19 years since i've played in the hallways of my highschool but some things just never change and i'm thankful for that! to think that this tradition has been passed on from generation to generation... crazy! whatever it is about this game that keeps people so interested is beyond me. the staying power of Big 2 is at the very least, amazing. you'd think that today's younger generation would be plugged into their PSP's and Game Boys. so almost 2 decades later, i'm sitting around in the cafeteria of culinary school playing with my new classmates. it's probably the best and easiest bonding experience you can ask for. so how am i fairing against these youngins? not too bad for the "old dude" of the group... i've still got game ;)

hollandaise?

what's the deal with this sauce? seriously, i haven't any idea why so many love this sauce? i mean, it tastes alright but man, there's no way i could eat my enlglish muffins and poached eggs under a sea of this sauce. to put it bluntly, it is a HEALTH HAZARD on a plate... full stop! and if you're trying to be healthy by adding a bit of spinach to your eggs benny, don't bother. no bit of green is going to save you from this high cholesterol, high fat concoction. it might mentally make you feel better for the moment but once that thick, rich, creamy sauce settles in your arteries, you would've wished you had passed on good ol' benny! for those of you who have had Hollandaise sauce, you know that it's a rather light sauce (or should be!) that tastes very buttery with a bit of a zing – usually vinegar or lemon juice... or a combo of both. we used a tablespoon of a reduction made from white vinegar, peppercorns, parsley stalks, shallots and bay leaves. other than that and a bit of salt, lemon juice, tobasco and worcestershire sauce to taste, the remainder of the sauce was made from 6 egg yolks and a POUND of clarified butter. a pound of butter! you might as well do what Homer Simpson did in an episode and eat a stick of butter wrapped with bacon! i feel ill just thinking about it. but each to their own, right? i mean, i like liver and chicken feet... i shouldn't be one to talk. but speaking purely from health perspective, my liver and chicken feet will be healthier than Hollandaise any day! to take it a step further, Hollandaise is kept at a temperature that can harbor Salmonella if not watched carefully. yum? Ill in the stomach yet?

fyi... Hollandaise's shelf life is two hours. the next time you're out for sunday brunch and order eggs benny, make sure the sauce was made fresh that morning. it may be sunday but praying to the porcelain gods is the last thing i want you doing ;)

julienne perfection...

is no easy feat. they could probably create another one of those survival competitions on tv and call it So You Think You Can Julienne? for all of you who don't know, julienne defined is, "to cut vegetable or other foods into stick-shaped pieces ; 1-2mm x 1-2mm x 2.5-5cm." ok, so i thought, no problem. how hard could it possibly be to cut vegetables into thin little pieces? VERY hard, apparently. see, when they say 1-2mm, that's fine. but what you're not aware of is that the final product can't be 1mm x 2mm or 1.4mm x 1.6mm or even 1.8mm x 2mm! a perfect julienne requires both height and width to be IDENTICAL. so when you look at the ends of a julienne, it should look square, not rectangular. if your height is 1.7mm, then your width better be 1.7mm too! we started with carrots and after about 50 cuts, i started to realize that this was no easy task. for some reason, i just couldn't get a feel for it. some were good, lots were not. did i get frustrated? not overly. i am learning so as with everything, practice makes perfect, right? so i hoped. like our chef instructed, "it's not about quantity. it's about quality." he was right. after taking a break and coming back to it on celery, things started picking up. i just got into the zone. slowed it down a bit and really focused. i could almost hear Mr. Miyagi whispering, "focus herman-san." so after another hundred or so cuts, i finally crane-kicked julienne's arse. winner!

heart attack on a bus...

that's right... i literally went into cardiac arrest Thursday morning. to reiterate from an earlier blog...

DON'T BE AWAY, LATE, OR SICK from class!!! away one day and that's 10% of your grade. away two days and that's 20%. away for three days and you can say bye bye. even if you're late, that's 5% of your grade!

so what happens 4 days into the program? i'm late... 20 minutes! and it was a terrible day to be late. it was our first official day in the kitchen. i woke up pretty excited and pumped to go. everything was going smoothly. got to the bus stop in good time and got on the 6:19am bus as usual. but (and this is a huge BUT) 5 minutes into the commute, the bus starts beeping irritatingly. obviously, one of the bus' indicators is going off. soon after, it begins jolting madly every time the driver stepped on the gas. NOT A GOOD SIGN. so we're now moving at a snail's pace. eventually, we're forced to stop. i look back and see another bus on the way so i'm thinking "cool, we can hop on that one." but soon i realize that its hazard lights are going off too and moving no faster than ours. i begin to lose my cool a bit. the words "if you're late, that's 5% of your grade" kept echoing in my head. but i kept trying to reassure myself, "Herms, this is not your fault. it's beyond your control. stay cool." but those words just kept repeating themselves. all the passengers were now stranded. we weren't in no-man's-land but at 6:40am in the morning, there's not much you can do... everyone's still in bed sleeping! finally, the driver announces, "sorry folks, it's just been announced on the radio that many of the trolley buses around the city are down." i exhaled in relief... kinda. two things were now working in my favour: 1) many other trolley buses were down and 2) my chef listens to morning radio on a regular basis. so at this point, i'm really hoping that my chef has heard the radio reports.

so i finally managed to get my arse to school. how? well, apparently, all the new (year old) trolley buses were breaking down but the older ones were working! wtf?!! apparently, the new buses couldn't handle the -1°C weather... SOFT! TransLink, you better reassess these million dollar buses you just spent your money on!

i get to the classroom and pause just outside the doorway to take a deep breath. i walk in and make my way towards my chef. all heads turn to look towards me – not in a terrible way but more like a "oh man... i feel bad for you... good luck" way. i step up to my chef and say, "please tell me you listened to radio this morning." he replied, "problem with the buses, yeah?"

"yeah, the trolley buses weren't running this morning."

"ok, get changed."

"thanks, chef."

i exhaled in relief and got myself changed. after about 10 minutes, my nerves had calmed and i was in the zone again. our chef then stood in the center of the classroom and announced to everyone, "people... things happen. buses break down, etc, etc... be honest. don't bullshit me and we'll be cool." we all answer, "yes, chef!" i smile... he winks... life goes on...

armed & dangerous...

yes, i am. armed and extremely dangerous. that's right, i am now fully equipped with the tools of my trade... my 10 inch chef knife being the Excalibur of my set. this thing is a BEAST. i think most of us are accustomed to using an 8 inch chef but add another 2 inches and you've got a whole new breed of animal. i can only imagine what a 12 inch looks like... probably just short of being a samurai sword! anyway, this knife is, in one word, SHARP! just tested it out with lunch and this thing slices through meat and dices onions without the slightest effort. i'm so tempted to do the whole "toss a tomato in the air and slice through it" like they do on those infomercials. hmmm... maybe later ;).

so now, like a ninja, i travel around with my knives. strange, the fact that i can legally carry around four knives and a 12 inch sharpening steel in public. this is probably a good thing considering the culinary school is a couple of blocks from probably the worst area in Vancouver... maybe even Canada! so if you plan on pulling any funny stuff on me, think twice... you've been warned...

whites & checks...

yes! the moment i've been waiting for! i finally got my whites and checks today! waaahooo! for those who don't get what i'm talking about, i'm referring to a chef's uniform... white top, neckerchief and apron with checked pants. seriously, i felt a moment of enlightenment when i put on my uniform. i'm not sure how to explain it but you suddenly just become something... new :). it's not like throwing on a schoolgirl's outfit and becoming Britney Spears. it's more like... like... putting on a policeman's uniform or a fireman's coat. no, i'm not saving lives but yes, i might be putting out fires and trying to save burnt meat! you get the point. there was something proud about putting on that chef's coat. it doesn't look half bad either ;). and nothing against Britney... she did look hot in that schoolgirl's outfit.

on a totally different topic but still having to do with school, my instructor is an absolute riot! the man is at the very least, hilarious! not only does he refer to some of the guys as "cookie", he absolutely loves taking the piss out of everyone, including himself! the crack of the day was when he said something about one of the guys in the class playing with Barbie dolls. the fella replied, "no... GI Joe!" this was followed by our instructor saying, "with a kung-fu grip, right? *wink wink*... "ham sup!" ok... this may not sound that funny but if you understand cantonese, then you know what "ham sup" means! as expected, only a couple of us caught what he was saying and started cracking up! to put this into better context, our instructor is dutch! ever heard a dutchman speak cantonese?? i have! so go ask your best chinese mate what it means. or maybe if you ask nicely, i might tell ya. cracker! hahaha...

so it begins...

the first day of class has come and gone.

how did it go? other than being a bit tired from waking up at 4:30am (overly anxious) and being freaked out by the instructor, very well... i think. the instructor's a funny funny man. i think he just really enjoys scaring newbies to the program. but hey, if i'd been instructing at the school for 32 years, i'd need something to keep me entertained too! he is a cool guy though and really loves what he does... just very serious about the program and what he expects out of his students. in all honesty, he just wants to prepare us for the "real" world and see us do well. as with the rest of the faculty, he takes great pride in what he teaches and the products he produces. it's no wonder they call the department head, "The Terminator". the faculty doesn't tolerate BS. if The Terminator sees or hears about something you did and frowns, you can be sure that you're either in big trouble or GONE! He heard about a student going the the toilet and just walking out without scrubbing up first... terminated! the student was asked to withdraw from the program. crazy! i think everybody in the class started to get a bit nervous at that point and think, "what have i gotten myself into?!!"

another thing i learnt today... DON'T BE AWAY, LATE, OR SICK!!! away one day and that's 10% of your grade. away two days and that's 20%. away for three days and you can say bye bye. even if you're late, that's 5% of your grade! at around now, i was really starting to think that i had enlisted myself in the army! but hey, i understand. pull this crap in any restaurant kitchen and you're gone. this isn't the army... this is life and that's what they're preparing us for. hard but fair!

so yeah, i better get myself accustomed to being in class by 7am every morning... fast! hopefully i'll be able to keep up with all these youngsters, as i can easily say that i'm the "old man" of the class. i may not look it but i am... and probably by at least a good decade! when the instructor asked, "who's not legal drinking age here?" at least 5 hands, maybe more, went up. i just rolled my eyes. i think about it now and chuckle but it definitely wasn't funny at the time.

so here's what i'm up against:

1) youngsters
2) 80% of them who have worked or are working in the industry
3) very early morning starts
4) strict program rules
5) The Terminator

do i have a chance? will life experience and maturity prevail over youth and industry experience? Terminator vs Herminator? i guess time will tell... but one thing i can tell you... i always love a challenge ;)